Does it ever end? From the moment you walk in the door (“I don’t WANT pork chops for dinner!”) to trying to do something FUN for everyone (“I don’t WANT to watch that movie! I want to watch Incrdibles!” or “It cost FOURTEEN dollars???”), by the end of the day, you feel like throwing your own temper tantrum because you can’t even do something right without it being wrong.
There used to be this saying, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” and I used to think, what a horrible woman makes her entire family miserable. But today, I realize, Mama ain’t happy because she has her own things to whine about, and everyone feels like it’s okay to whine to her, too! So that when everyone has CALMED DOWN and is happily laughing and watching the movie she picked out (because she knew exactly which movie would make everybody happy) and is chomping down on the dinner she made (because she knew what everyone likes), she is in the bedroom, angrily writing blog posts and trying to calm herself down, her own ideas of a pleasant evening for everyone happily in play. As apparently, “everyone” doesn’t include Mama, and no one cares if she ain’t happy unless she MAKES them care. No wonder Mama ain’t happy and makes sure nobody else is, either. (Except for those wonderful mothers who take their frustrations out on the blogging world, allowing everyone else to have a pleasant evening at her expense!)
On the way home from school, I had the following conversation with Julieanne:
Julieanne: I’m a she!
Me: That’s right!
J: And boys are called “he”!
Me: Yep! Did you learn that at school today.
J: Nod.
Me: (Furthering the education a bit) Who has babies? Boys or girls?
J: What?
Me: Do girls have babies or do boys have babies?
J: Girls!
Me: Yes, how did you-
J: Girls have girl babies and boys have boy babies!
Me: What? (Laugh!)
J: Girls have girl babies and boys have boy babies. So you can have a girl, and Steve can have a boy, and I can have a little girl!
Me: Oh, is that how it works?
J: Yes. And you have a little girl, and Steve a little boy, and I have a little girl, and we can have TWO babies.
Me: Well, if you have a baby, that will be THREE babies.
J: (Pause) Oh. Well I want a kitty!
Me: A kitty?
J: TWO kitties!
Me: Two kitties?
J: And two puppies!
Me: Two kitties and two puppies.
J: And two babies. (Pause.) I thought we were going to get a baby. (She is, I think, referring to a conversation that occurred a friends’ house. They are trying to have a baby, and they asked her if she wanted a brother or sister. She said yes, and we told her maybe someday.)
Me: Maybe someday.
J: And when we have a baby, I can hold it. I promise I’ll be careful and I won’t drop it!
Me: I bet you’ll be a good big sister.
J: I’m not yet.
Me: No, but maybe someday you’ll get to be a big sister.
J: I want my baby. And two kitties. And two puppies!
(Arrive! This is the reason I had kids. Well, that and Christmas.)
Okay, I admit it: we are broke. Very broke. So broke, I don’t see how we will ever get un-broke, as bills and student loans pile up and our income goes down. Both Steve and I are students, and he is the only one with a job. So we live on like, $500 per month. Last year, we were too poor to buy a Christmas tree. So we decked out the coat rack instead. That’s what I do when I feel depressed about how we have no money and I can find no job to help make money: I get silly.
This year, I scraped some money together (I won’t bore you with the ways I gathered it all, but it made me laugh at the lengths I had to go to) and managed to buy a rather sad looking Christmas tree. No big deal, not like we have a lot of room to put it anyways! It will be the first time I’ve had a Christmas tree since 2006. I can’t wait for Julieanne to come tonight so we can decorate it!
We may decorate scrawny trees and live on beans and rice. But at least we are making memories and we don’t have credit card debt (at least, that is what I tell myself, anyways)! Now all I need to do is sell my hair to buy a gift for my husband . . .
I have had two Dell laptops and one Dell desktop. I have hated every last one of them. After the first, the only reason I got two more was because they were both given to me. And I am not going to complain about the brand of a nice gift!
The first one, a laptop, lasted until exactly one day after the warranty expired, then crashed. I don’t know why. I had up to date virus software. Whatever it was, I didn’t blame Dell for it. I spent money fixing it, then it stopped charging. There was some sort of short in the battery. To fix it would have cost a ton of money. I spent quite a pretty penny buying a new charger, thinking that there was a short in the charger itself, but it wasn’t.
My desktop, similar issue. Exactly one month after the warranty expired, it just stopped working entirely. One night, I shut it off and went to bed. The next morning, I woke up, turned it on, and nothing happened. The light turned on, the fan spun, and that was it. I hooked it up to another monitor thinking maybe my monitor was broken. Nope! It still works just fine. I don’t know what the problem was, but it was Dell and not worth fixing because I knew that soon, something else would go wrong. I did spend a good chunk of money buying equipment to get my files off the drive.
Then someone gave me a shiny new Dell laptop for Christmas last year. And of course, now that there is no warranty, it is falling apart. Literally. It looks like I dropped it, but I didn’t. One day, I opened it like normal, and CRAAACK! I shuddered, and looked on the back. A crack was forming in the case. This went on for about a week. Then small chunks of it started falling off. The plastic side piece connecting the screen to the keyboard came loose. Wires are sticking out of it. I thought, maybe someone ELSE dropped it!
Here is what it looks like closed.But this morning, I opened it up, and CRAAACK! Now the piece that holds the screen in has cracked into two as well. The entire casing is coming apart, and is loose in other places, too. So somehow, there is something in the design that when you open it, it eventually falls apart. I use my laptop every day: for school, blogging, friends, etc. I am constantly online or writing, so it gets a TON of use. I have always been careful with it, though; it’s not as if I am violently slamming it closed or carelessly tossing it open.
(You can’t really tell from this image, but the whole screen is now lopsided. Now that the casing is cracked, it can no longer support what’s inside it. The whole thing is falling apart, and it’s actually WORSE than it looks here.)So I am going to retire my laptop into the bedroom where it will become a desktop. I will hook it up to my monitor and keyboard, and lament the loss of mobility. Stupid Dell.
(I’ve heard similar Dell horror stories so I know it’s not just me!)
I am a sucker for old, pretty books, and I am even more of a sucker for fairy tales and folk tales. Add that together, and there is a bookstore in my town where I should never go. Not until I have more money to spend on books. It is floor to ceiling, wall to wall used books. Rare books, out of print books, classics, fairy tales; if a subject exists, they have it.
Yesterday, I broke my rule and I visited this bookstore. Right after I went to the library. Yes, I know. While everyone else is trying to figure out how to pay of the mound of credit card debt they accumulated during Black Friday, I visit two bookstores and the library. I am so busy writing lately, though, that I don’t even read as much as I used to. I still love books, however. I love the way they look. I love the feel of them in my hands. Paperback? Hardback? Each has a unique feel and texture. I love the way they sound as you flip through the pages. I love the library smell and the new book smell: fresh ink and new ideas. I love the way the words taste on my tongue as I read over them aloud.
I could never trade my books in for something like a Kindle. I’ll plant some more trees. . .
So this is my happy blog. I write about how horrible my life is elsewhere, and this is supposed to be my happy place. The place where I write about life today and how much better it is now that I am living in happily ever after land with a husband who loves me. Unfortunately, all problems are not solved just because you meet your Prince Charming.
And Thanksgiving is supposed to be a happy day, so I shoved my negative feelings down in the blogosphere and wrote about dead turkeys and pumpkins and gluttony with glee.
The sad truth, however, is that I missed Julieanne so badly that it physically hurt. So much that I sobbed for the loss of a dream of a happy marriage and children the first time around. I wouldn’t trade Steve for anything, but why couldn’t he have been first? And somehow, couldn’t Julieanne still be the child she is?
No, of course not, because this is the real world where there is no magic and happy endings don’t mean happily ever after or 100% happy. 80% happy will suffice.
Still, I despise the holidays when her dad has custody because I miss her so much. I’m glad she gets to spend time with her dad, but I turn into a hopeless puddle of salty tears every time. Every time. Even on inconsequential holidays, like Halloween.
Even when divorce is without a doubt best for all parties, it still sucks.
1. Pumpkin pie for breakfast.
2. Someone asking me to write an article/guest blog post/book chapter/book.
3. Helping someone.
4. Finding an episode of a favorite tv show I haven’t seen.
5. Finishing a good book
I have been doing some soul searching the last few days. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a bit over-committed this semester: I chose a class load I thought I could handle and several activities to go with it. I misjudged the amount of work all of my classes would be (mostly because of a class structure that mandates I teach them all to myself, making the simple concepts as difficult as possible!), and everything is proving to be a bit more than I can handle and still do well. A few days ago, I realized I had actually forgotten what I used to do and love, because all I ever do anymore is schoolwork or stress about either how I should be doing schoolwork or how bad my grades are despite my hours of study (the problem is you can only learn so much new material everyday, and the time I put into all three of my classes is the amount of time I would do for a semester of one hard class and two or three easy ones). I actually had to make a list to remind me of the things I loved to do. Here it is:
Things I Like to Do, but Don’t:
Reading (I have incurred quite a few little fines at the library for not finishing a book even in the time it takes to renew it twice. I love to read, and this saddens me. I have had to return several books I didn’t finish, and one or two I didn’t even have time to start.)
Phi Rho (a group of girls studying math and science)
Play the piano
Scrapbook
Write (I do write, but my writing lately has been slapping my thoughts on the page with no real rhyme, reason, editing, or creativity)
Travel (money plays into this as well, but even if I had it, I wouldn’t have time)
Exercise
Cake Decorating
Volunteering
Friendship maintenance
Clean (not something I enjoy doing, but having a messy house adds to the stress! And yes, Steve does help!)
I know that’s a long list and I know hardly anybody gets to do everything they enjoy, but I feel I have no leisure time. Even when I am not working on schoolwork, I think I should be, or my messy house prevents me from truly enjoying some of these activities. Even when I can do something I like, the thought of doing anything stresses me out, too. All work and no play doesn’t make Jack just dull, but annoying, grouchy, and mentally unhealthy, too! I am constantly stressed and irritable, and it shows in all of my relationships. I think most of my Facebook friends are completely sick of my whiny statuses this semester, though I have tried to tone it down in the last week or two. (I do have a ton of wonderful, patient friends and family who put up with me despite myself! For that, I am completely grateful, and know I don’t deserve what I’ve got!)
I am trying to do everything 100%: family and personal life, school, extracurricular activities. They say you can do whatever you put your mind to, but that’s a lie: there are limits to what people can do. I know it’s not that I’m not capable of doing anything, but there are only 24 hours in a day, after all, and we don’t get to use them all for activities. I mean, yeah, if I didn’t ever have to sleep or rest, I would be fine! So I decided to apply for nursing school this summer at the local community college, and take a couple years off school to pay down some student loans and rebuild some credit. Getting some health care would be nice, too: I haven’t had insurance for 5 years, and without a steady full-time job, I have let quite a few things go! Will this plan ruin my chances of med school or cause me to change my mind? Maybe, but I know that if I rush it and get bad grades, I am not going anyways! Even if I did make it in within the next year or two, I will probably burn right out. (Plus, after this semester, I am probably going to have to get a biology degree to raise my science GPA. Not something I want to do right now. I need a couple years of feeling like I am actually contributing to society!) My lab partner who is also pre-med, married with a small child, and went for a nursing degree before deciding to try for medical school, told me he thinks it is a waste of time to try that, and I think to some extent, he’s right, but he’s also a man who doesn’t have to worry about whether or not he wants anymore kids and when or how that will affect his career. He’s also very stressed: he is only in school part-time, but he works art-time, and trying to juggle his classes and family is hard on him, too. Another pre-med mom friend of mine is even more worried about money as I am: she has $500,000 in medical debt from a heart surgery she can’t pay because she isn’t working with her full load and parenthood. (She also encouraged me with a story of a single mom with 5 kids who somehow made it through, and gave me some of this woman’s tips. I can’t do them all, but some help!) I always knew, but now I really know why people look at married students like they are crazy for trying to get into medical school: I think we are. We don’t have hours every evening to study. It’s hard, too, because we are in school instead of earning a living, which means constantly worrying about health, cars, money, and everything else that goes with being a grown up. To top it off, I found out this morning that I am going to have to devote my afternoons to taking care of Julieanne instead of studying, which means I will now have be up between 3:30 and 4:00 every morning, and just pray that’s enough time. But really, this is still what I want to do! I just may be 90 by the time I’m finished! But so what if I am? What else am I going to do when I’m old?
I have learned the hard way this semester that yes, you can do anything, but you can’t do everything. Prioritize, let some things go, and keep what really matters.
I love my math and science classes this semester. I feel challenged and find the material fascinating. Of course, I get frustrated sometimes, but there is something entirely affirming about understanding a concept after fighting through it, then figuring it out. Given that, I often wonder why it took me so long to appreciate the subjects. I think I finally figured it out.
Growing up in a conservative Christian school, scientific concepts were often paired with biblical lessons. Either the textbook proclaimed the wonder of God or taught us to mistrust mainstream science. No wonder it wasn’t interesting. There was no wonder, no fascination. God did everything. That teaches wonder in God, not wonder in science. Anything that doesn’t line up with the idea of God is to be mistrusted. It’s pretty hard to develop a sense of wonder in something that is only to be trusted if it matches what the Bible says. I can remember proclaiming once, right before we watched a science video put out by Moody Bible Institute (one that I had seen multiple times in church), “Science is boring!” My teacher lit into me, telling me how interesting it was. And she was right: science is interesting. But I think I was right, too: ignoring everything in science that isn’t backed up in Sunday school or using science as a vehicle to teach the Bible isn’t interesting. A heavy reliance on creationism is going to lower performance in science and math, because so often their most basic scientific concepts and algebra are wrong. My foundation for science was eroded, so that later when my interest did begin to pique, I didn’t think I was any good at it. And really, I am not particularly good, but I am not terrible at it as I once assumed. What I am now is utterly fascinated. Taking off the biblical lens, the world is entirely new. I have such a weak foundation, that everything I learn is new. I don’t mind being frustrated occasionally, or even most of the time. When I finally understand it, I get such a satisfaction that it begins the love affair anew. I often feel like a small child, completely enthralled with what most people consider minute and boring because they’ve had it so many times.
Math is another story. I didn’t always hate math. The first time I remember hating math was the first day of the second or third grade (I had the same teacher for both). Since we were a small class even by the standards of our small, private school, we were in the same classroom as the grade below us. My teacher gave my grade some math worksheets while she worked with the other grade. When I checked my answer with the teacher key, it wasn’t right. Despite how hard I tried, I couldn’t get it to work. Finally, I asked the teacher for help. She took one look at my paper and said, “Oh, you forgot to borrow!” The entire grade she was working with burst out laughing. I don’t really know why, because borrowing is something we had learned at the end of the year before, so they wouldn’t have even known what it was. But it was my first remembered embarrassing moment, made worse by the hot tears that streamed down my cheeks. Many years later, I took pre-algebra during the three weeks I homeschooled in the seventh grade. When I returned to my private school, the eighth grade was taking pre-algebra while the seventh grade was taking something else. So I just joined the eighth grade math class. I really liked it. The second semester, though, nobody had felt challenged so the teacher moved everyone up a level. I had the choice of staying with my class in pre-algebra, repeating everything I had already learned, or moving on to Algebra I with the eighth graders. I chose Algebra I, and we crammed an entire year’s worth of algebra into one semester. That was hard. In the eighth grade, I switched to public school. It was a middle school, and they only offered up to Algebra I, so I had to repeat it. Their methods were different, though, and I found myself bored and often with lower grades because I solved the problems the way I had learned the year before. Doing anything different confused me. At the end of the year, my teacher told me I wasn’t ready to move on to geometry and that I would have to take Algebra I again. Unhappily, I found myself bored in algebra again the next year. That year, we moved in the middle of the semester, and the algebra book they used utilized the same methods I had used in seventh grade. At the end of the year, my teacher told me that I really should have been in another class. I had a 98% and a solid knowledge of basic algebra, but I had lost any desire to learn math.
I am glad I gave math and science another chance. I am woefully behind those my age, and even somewhat behind the entering freshmen because I stayed away from the harder courses in high school and my first college. But I ignore that, and I love it.
I am a rather determined person when I set my mind to something, and in 2007, I decided I was going to medical school. I had no idea if I would actually accomplish this goal, how long it would take me, or exactly how I would get there, but I knew I would. Now in the middle of my journey, I am working on pre-requisites, which include courses in calculus, physics, and chemistry for this semester. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, and I have not been proven wrong.
It is incredibly difficult to fit in the extracurricular activities medical schools tend to want to see while parenting. I am basically trying to cram everything into my schedule that an 18-year old does and a 30-year old does. Sometimes, I have decided, I am simply going to have to suck it up and bring my three-year old to certain meetings, especially since Steve has an evening class this semester that conflicts with many of them.
So tonight, we tried it out. And wow, was it a hectic day. I had a meeting from 5-7 and a meeting from 6-8. And a three-year old. While not every day is quite like this, they are all very busy:
6:30: Leave for Julieanne’s pre-school. She has to be there by 7am. (I don’t like how early it is, but this time slot was all they had available.)
7:00: I get ready for the day.
8:00: Leave for classes. Continue with classes/homework. I am taking 12 hours of credit, but because I have two labs, I am in classes for 18 hours. Some days I get a lunch break, some days I don’t. Today, I did. I spent way too much time online, knowing I will pay for it tonight.
3:45: Pick up Julieanne from daycare.
4:00: At the doctor’s office for Julieanne’s weekly allergy shot. She hates it and I hate it, too. I am trying to think of some ways to make it less painful for her.
4:45: Home, where after her shot, she decides she wants to stay with me instead of stay home and watch cartoons with Steve. Usually, if I have a class or meeting or something in the evening, she is thrilled to do this, but not today! I decided to just take her with me–all she wanted was her mommy, and she comes first.
5:00: Find out my meeting was moved to another area of campus. I put her on my shoulder and dash to the correct building, which was a residence hall. It’s pretty hard to pass as a student when you’re lugging a toddler, and I had the misfortune of walking in behind an RA who made me wait at the front. Which is understandable for security purposes, but they didn’t make me sign in or anything, and when he walked away, nobody made sure I actually did what I was supposed to do, so it was pretty lame.
6:15: Put Julieanne back on my shoulder and drag myself away from the meeting I actually wanted to attend to go to the one I knew I should, which was a meeting for pre-medical students on campus. The professors in charge are the ones who decide whether or not to write you a recommendation for medical school and since I don’t have any of them for classes, I figured I had better go. I had not ever gone to one, however, because I’d always had Julieanne or some other conflict. I hesitated about taking Julieanne, but I decided 1) they are pre-med students. They had better get used to inconvenient people, and 2) I had met a pre-med mom at the park, so I knew at least one person would understand.
Since we were late, we stood in the back near the door. (A very, very good move!) For the most part, Julieanne was an angel. There was the exception where she whispered very loudly, “Mom! I have to go poop!” But I am sure only about the back 25 people heard and not the entire room. It took about 30 seconds to realize I attracted much more attention than I thought I would, and I felt self-conscious.
I should say here that when you have a child (and especially as a single parent), people look at you strangely when you tell them you are a pre-med student. I have noticed this the most at the doctor’s office, when they read on your form that 1) you have a child, 2) you are divorced, and 3) are a student. Making small talk, they will ask you what your major is. The answer of “Pre-med” makes them stop. “Oh,” they might say, and quickly move on like it’s not obvious what they’re thinking. You know exactly what they’re thinking because it’s exactly what you’re thinking half the time.
Given this, it wasn’t too surprising when a girl, whom I think was the president or some other officer in the pre-med club smiled and asked me, “So who are you with?”
I looked at her a little confused, and pointed to Julieanne.
She smiled again, “Yeah, but who’s the pre-med?”
My turn to give the funny look to someone. “Me,” I pointed to myself.
“Oh, you’re the pre-med!”
I nodded.
“Awesome!” she exclaimed, leaving me to puzzle over whether she thought it was awesome that I was a pre-med mommy or I was less competition for a slot in med school. 
A few minutes after that, Julieanne told me she had to pee. At least she whispered it that time. As I led her to the third bathroom trip of the hour (which was at the opposite end of the building, by the way!), I felt frustrated and tired, and was beginning to have doubts that I could do this. After all, medical school won’t be much different in one way or another. I wasn’t sure I could do it.
Then a doctor spoke. A female doctor. A female doctor who had started medical school 6 years after finishing her first degree, had a two year old, and another child during medical school. The timing could not have been nicer. I walked up to her afterwards and told her THANK YOU, but it was kind of awkward.
7:50: My arms are about to fall off from carrying Julieanne around everywhere. (In fact, they still feel like rubber!) Home. Get Julieanne ready for bed: pajamas, teeth, story, chasing all the shadows out of the room. Since she has to get up so early, she is usually in bed between 7:15-7:45. Tonight we are so late coming home that I didn’t have time to give her a rather needed bath. Sigh. No bath or super cranky baby in the morning? I chose “no bath”, but not without some guilt.
8:30: Relax long enough to check email and write a blog post.
by 9:00, I will be studying for my physics test tomorrow. It will probably be semi-late. I’ve been studying all week, but this physics class is incredibly demanding, so it’s been difficult. Along with trying to care for a toddler, it’s been hard getting used to the class work. I am so used to getting things right away the first time. I make good grades in my math and science classes when I apply myself, but I often find myself frustrated at my lack of ability to pick up math and science as easily as I do English or psychology.
I did read a quote in my Mathematics for Physics book yesterday that made me feel better:
“Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics, I can assure you that mine are still greater.” -Albert Einstein.
And a page later, Richard Feynman wrote a perfect summation of why I enjoy math and science despite struggling: “When I really understand something, it is as if I had discovered it myself.”
So I forge ahead. I know I can do this. I just have to keep working hard.
